The Silence in an Empty Life

The Silence in an Empty Life
“Can’t stop these feet from sinking and it’s starting to show on me. You’re staring while I’m blinking but just don’t tell me what you see. I’m so over all this bad luck, hearing one more keep your head up, is it ever gonna change? So, let me just give up, let me just let go if this isn’t good for me, well I don’t wanna know. Let me just stop trying let me just stop fighting I don’t want your good advice or reasons why I’m alright you don’t know what it’s like, you don’t know what it’s like.” ~Katelyn Tarver
I am tired and yet I do not sleep for fear of dreaming.  I complain it is too quiet and yet I cannot tolerate noise. With all my strength, I did my best to accept that I have no choice but to live here. Obsessing with regret every choice I have made fills me with hatred for this pathetic city.  The inherent beauty once I found in my hometown of  Santa Barbara in contrast to this disgusting, filthy place is heartbreaking. Against the advice of the police, I venture out with my dogs at dusk not caring if I get assaulted or murdered.
 I have tired of crying for the animals that suffer at the hand of psychopaths around the world. Two years of exposing myself to these horrors and doing everything I could has been for not. I am tired of pretending everything is alright, in fact, I hate happy people.
January of this year my car insurance increased by $54 at the same time the Social Security Disability Department sent me a letter that read I would have to start paying $134.  for Medicare. I have struggled to make ends meet since and at this point I owe the Opthomologist too much money to be seen and the same goes for Quest Diagnostic the place I am sent for blood tests.  When I was taken to the emergency room it was found my thyroid hormone levels were dangerously low. I cannot keep my appointment with the endocrinologist because I cannot get my blood drawn to check the levels. Unbelievable, that I was earning nearly 40k a year and now I am expected to live on 19k, well I cannot. I want my life back, I want to go home, I want what was stolen from me by the unethical Santa Barbara Public Defender Kim Craig Williamson may G-d strike him dead.
Everything appears old, sounds old, tastes old, is old. I want out and I do not care about anyone who cares, they do not know what it is like, they do not know.  Weighing in at 102 pounds should suggest something is amiss and yet silence is the response of my doctor as if losing 54 pounds without dieting is a good thing. I have said that I am always alone but never lonely and I wonder, in the silence of this empty life, if I was lying to myself.

 

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Outside of Human Nature

Outside of Human Nature

Born in my soul is a furious demanding that no rational reasoning has yet to diminish. Across seas on the shores of foreign borders is an abomination that, in real time, fractures my belief in the goodness of humanity.

The imputable acts of torture and the willful cause of abject suffering as standard practice in the Dog Meat Trade is the depravity inherent to societies run by psychopaths who cannot perceive what is outside of human nature and determine what is morally corrupt.

Uncountable numbers residing in uncountable nations constitute the forces of compassion and empathy that will fight for the innocent who are ill-fated in this vile trade. Many nights in the quietness, I make a futile attempt to find the rationale in the absoluteness of misery.  As usual, I only find myself in tears.

The contentious brutality in the Dog and Cat Meat Trade is like the darkness only found in the depths of a frigid sea and the greedy causality is like a shallow river of poisoned water, void of life. Though the minions of evil continue to spill innocent blood so will my comrades and I continue to fight until they are all driven to hell.

Dying, Dying, Dead

Dying, Dying, Dead

Through the continuum of time, there be me remembered by the son and daughter left behind.

The I that is me today is about past adversity and depressive events. I exist within these indelible memories of which the totality is like an effusive rhapsody. Though I may try to mitigate these experiences, I stand with failure. Considering my reflection in the mirror, I see an old woman. Brought to heart from the reflection is a raw sensitivity to a substantial loss. Albeit, this loss has yet to come to fruition, I am cognizant of its finality.

As time separates generations the intimate nature of my opinion on life will not be understood by the youthful. Words will not suffice to express the entanglement of life with death but are where my sentiments about love and loss reside.

Selfishly, I want to remain in the audience and forever bear witness to the development of my children’s lives as they journey over roads not yet named to arrive at destinations not yet created. The inevitability of my non-existence elicits profound emotions and this is where I find the cruelty in life itself.

This unavoidable awareness that my story will come to end spreads across the blank pages that turn over each morning. Created within set tabs and margins are unedited pages from the past. In hindsight, I wish there had been more of this and less of that. Come the day I face my maker, should he exist, I shall demand a refund for this life lived to die for.

Sanctioned Terrorism

Sanctioned Terrorism

It is said that the vast majority of the 1.8 million Palestinians who are held prisoner by Israel in Gaza approve of Hamas launching patchwork rockets into Israel.New 666

 This false claim is ludicrous considering that for every one rocket launched into Israel twenty sophisticated retaliatory rockets are indiscriminately launched into Gaza. Unsuspecting citizens scramble with their children in tow. Terrorized, they pray to Allah they not be the next family obliviated under piles of rubble.0011

Israel has indiscriminately fired rockets from jet fighters, tanks, and rocket launchers into Gaza causing complete destruction of neighborhoods with a death toll exceeding five hundred children in fifty days. Unabated, Israel has stooped so low as to fire rockets to destroy schools, UN Sanctuaries, and hospitals. 

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It is obvious that Israel is using Hamas as a precept to force Palestinian Arabs from the region. 

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If ever an illegitimate state caused this degree of suffering to my people or my family I would be filled with vengeful hatred. One can only endure so much insult and injury before the need for Justice pushes one to strike back.

What aggressor would be surprised that Palestinians would strike back? Israel. 0060

You are not Serious, are You?

You are not Serious, are You?

Integrity once viable has become inherently unreliable like the men I could mention. It is not my intention to show a reaction for their own egotistical satisfaction.

These men who report on what they are commanded. From where I stand they should be reprimanded for the baseless claims that ignite the viewers every night when assumptions are presented as truths without the regiments of proof.

When men that no longer care what is wrong nor right should consider taking flight with the rest who before them left. Do take care on your eastward direction where you may find nothing there but your own ignorant reflections.

The time now has come to pity the dumbed down people with smartphones that are used as weapons of mass confusion by the constant bombardment of fake news by you know who.

drip… drip… drip…

100% Perplexed by Her Behavior

100% Perplexed by Her Behavior

A few weeks ago I was grocery shopping.  For years I have shopped at the same market, usually purchasing the same foods as last week and the week before that, and well, you know. 

The produce department is my first stop. Unfortunately, standing 5′ with socks on, I have trouble reaching the plastic bags and ties so usually I will tear off ten plus ensuring I will have enough. Afterward, I will stand next to my cart and struggle to open the obstinate plastic bags. I open all the bags before I proceed because apparently, you need wet fingers to get a good grip for twisting and pulling on the plastic before it gives in. 

The produce department is separated with fruits and vegetables laced with poison on one side and the organic produce and juices on the opposite side. Perhaps, because the grocery store is located in Merced, there are no plastic bags available on the organic side. On this particular trip, I did not tear off enough plastic bags to venture over to the organic side. I reached up high again and tore off two more bags, one was for mushrooms and the other was for mixed organic vegetables.

With one plastic bag in hand and the other hanging from the first, I  headed back to the opposite side of the department. I was directly in front of the mushrooms when I attempted to open the top plastic bag. From somewhere a woman around my age and height came forward and stood right beside me yet she remained silent. I felt uncomfortable as she watched me so I spoke up and said, “these bags are really hard to open.” The women took hold of the second plastic bag that was hanging and tore it from the one in my hand.

I stopped my attempt to watch how she quickly opened the plastic bag, as I was about to thank her … she put other items into the bag! Stupefied by her actions I stared in disbelief as she continued to fill my bag with her items. In shock I asked, “Seriously, are you taking my bag?” She spoke not a single utterance. I looked around to see if anyone noticed what just happened. “Okay,” I said, “I get it, It’s Merced.” 

She turned and walked away leaving me holding the unopened plastic bag.  I started laughing, this was too much to believe even though it happened. I got the plastic bag opened and filled it with mushrooms then pushed the cart back to the opposite side, stretched up to reach another plastic bag and returned to the organic vegetables wondering if she was mentally ill.

Long ago, I developed an aversion to making lists. Not to forget something I need, I go up one aisle and down the next until I reach the end. At about the sixth aisle I saw the woman who stole my plastic bag. Only now she was speaking in English with a man about what brand of cereal he wanted. She saw me but looked right through me.  As I slowly passed by shaking my head in disapproval, I deliberately turned to her and said, “Only In Merced.” 

I cannot place this incident into a category, but it sure makes me laugh only because I still cannot wrap my head around the mentality of people in Merced that many have this low standard that reasons it is okay to  wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart or kick a stranger’s dog because it barked at you or steal a shopper’s bag just because. 

There is one thing I am certain of, I really am out of my element. 

 

 

The Reluctant Witness

The Reluctant Witness

Tonight, the reality of residing in Hell demands my attention. Outside my door are frightening sounds of an altercation that is too close for my comfort. Grabbing my phone off the table, I stand at attention prepared to dial 911 emergency. As the commotion outside escalates so does my anxiety. Past experiences have taught me to expect the exchange of gunfire as this is the usual end to altercations in my neighborhood. When the gunshots go off in rapid succession my hands shake as I press the numbers 911 on the phone’s screen.

A woman on the other end questions, “What is your emergency? ” Quickly, I speak, “corner of Madison and Denver… a woman was screaming… then gunfire… seven shots, hurry.” She replies, “They are on their way.”

True to my curious nature, I venture out into the back yard; into the darkness. Peering through the gap in the fence, directly across the street, I watch a car backing out of the apartment driveway the car makes a sharp turn and speeds off. Stopped in the middle of the street is the second car, I wonder if the passengers are involved in the shooting. The last time I heard gunfire split the night, in the morning, I learned that a young man had lost his life. The White car takes off like a jet and races around the corner, seconds later, a police car arrives at the scene. Still shaking, I dial 911 again to inform the operator that the police car just missed a White car that went around the corner.

With flashing lights and its siren blaring, the police car disappears around the corner. A crowd starts to form as people come out of their apartment. Not long after the first Police car left, an ambulance, fire truck, and other police vehicles arrive. Two EMT’s take out a stretcher from the ambulance and roll it over the driveway. The EMT’s return, a man on the stretcher moans as the stretcher is lifted into the back of the ambulance. One EMT jumps in the back and the other slams the doors gets in the driver’s seat and speeds off around the same corner. The crowd thins as people begin to go back inside. Doing the same, I go back inside and as usual, when exposed to the violence of these frequent incidents, images of my hometown fill my mind followed by my sworn declaration, “I Hate This Fucking Place.”