The Disgust Within

The Disgust Within

Last month, I realized I am not me any more a persistent unhappiness has tainted my perspective on life. I cannot sleep, eat, I do not take walks with my dogs,  worse, I have no desire to create.  Lost are the words to comfort me, to rid myself of this intense feeling of irritability.  When thoughts of suicide entered my mind, I panicked, I called the psychiatrist and left a message to call back, but days went by with no word.

Over those days, I battled a stranger within and withdrew from social media. I drank a lot of beer while viewing videos on YouTube about the End of Days, the New World Order, FEMA Camps, and Walmart’s conspiracy to kill millions of people. I was wrong to think things could not get worse.

September 3rd, around 9:00 p.m. the psychiatrist called. He said that he had been ill and had just got my message. I told him how I could not sleep, that I was too anxious, with exhaustion in my voice I said, ” I just want to go home” There must be a prescription that would help me to sleep, something stronger than the Clonazepam I have been using to help settle my anxiety. The psychiatrist answered with an opinion, he said that I needed hospitalization, at which time I said, “No, never mind, I will handle this myself. ” I then ended our conversation.

The stranger inside was not going to take my sanity, I still had the will to fight.  I have battled mental illness for over four decades. These intrusive thoughts of suicide are just thoughts that can be kept at bay with visions of my daughter and consideration of her emotions. I was committed that Suicide, no matter how appealing, was not an option.

Suicide was not an option at that moment, but what occurred in the hors that followed was devastating and traumatic. I  am ashamed that anyone should know, but my unhappiness is compounded by profound emotions of disgust. I cannot stop replaying the images and shutter with each one.

A policewoman was at my front door shortly after I ended the call with the psychiatrist. She said the doctor had asked for a well-check. I told her although I felt miserable I had no intention of harming myself.  The policewoman said there was medication I could get if I was to go with her and speak with someone from mental health. I agreed to go with her and speak with this person. She drove me to a facility that once inside I was not free to leave. I was tricked to leave my home and a hold was placed on me with the intention of hospitalization without my having any say.

An ambulance came to transport me to the medical hospital for clearance before admittance to the Mental Hospital.  When we reached the hospital a nurse in the ER led me to a room and asked for my clothing. I complied and put on the gown provided. Perhaps an hour has passed before the nurse returned. She said a urine sample was needed and handed me a sample cup. I placed it on a chair in the room stating I did not need to go right then. Another hour or so passed when a doctor and a nurse came into the room the nurse wanted a blood sample. The doctor listened to my heart, did a quick once-over, and left the room, the nurse drew some blood and also left the room.

I did not want to lay on the bed, so I stood near the back of the room. After several hours, I used the restroom forgetting about the urine sample. When I returned to the room the nurse came in asking for the sample. I said I was sorry, but I had forgotten and just used the restroom. Her reaction caught me off guard, she was furious and with sarcasm, she said she would use a catheter to get a urine sample. Backing up into the corner of the room I said, “I don’t think so, you are not going to violate my body.” Without looking at me, she said she could and that I had no choice in the matter. I asked for water and why could she not wait fifteen minutes, but she did not respond.

I became furious and impulsively knocked over metal shelving that held supplies. She came back with two male nurses and asked them to restrain me on the bed. Once told to get on the bed I did allow the nurses to tie my wrists to the bed railing. The three nurses left the room but shortly returned with two additional nurses one who was male the nurse had a catheter in her hand. two male nurses moved to the head of the bed. One held my head down over the bed the other held my torso down. The nurse pulled off my underwear as I tried to keep my legs closed, the other two nurses were prying my legs apart. I was screaming in terror, pleading with them to stop. Unable to move against the force they used to hold me down. I was frantic and hyperventilating, screaming you cannot do this.

With my legs spread eagle, I felt the catheter inserted. The nurse started pushing down on my abdomen as no urine was coming out. I was whaling for God to help me. Finally, she finished and put my underwear back on, but left them midway.  They left as I uncontrollably cried repeating the words, Oh, my God. A nurse came in after about fifteen minutes and told me I was making too much noise and bothering those who were there with real medical problems.

I still feel disgusted and humiliated, powerless to prevent what had happened. I cannot even write this without tears and I feel that disgust that is alive in my psyche. The nurses raped me with a catheter and I cannot move forward. After three days, I finally did sleep, but I had a nightmare the theme was what happened in the Emergency Room. Now I fear to sleep and have not slept most nights since. I did call and file a complaint, the manager told me she would get back with me, but she did not follow through. I called again and left a message, but she did not respond.

When I returned to the facility around noon the next day, I was released to go home. The entire event has left me traumatized and was for not. My unhappiness has deepened to where I do not want to leave the house, I feel vulnerable in the shower and hurry so I can put my clothes back on. What they accomplished at the ER was to turn my unhappiness into a deep depression, the kind that one questions for what purpose is there to remain alive? I now hate my life more than I hate this city.

What they accomplished at the ER was to turn my unhappiness into a deep depression, the kind that leads one to question for what purpose is there to remain alive? I now hate my life more than I hate this city. I never felt such disgust as I do when my thoughts, as they mostly have, return to that night, to that room, and to those nurses; the feeling is  sickening.

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Alive After Death

Alive After Death

I confess, my mother was abusive both verbally and physically from my first memory. At the same time, when I needed her to bail me out of trouble, she was there. It is a fact that she held disdain for my being born and because of her emotional neglect, I grew to hate her vigorously.

One time on Mother’s Day I gave her a card written in Spanish, a language she cannot read. She carried the card in her purse for several months and would pull it out to show people when I was present. She would hand them the card as she said, “Look at this card my daughter gave me on Mother’s Day. She knows I can’t read Spanish.” The expressions on their faces made me feel horrible.

Worse than that was what I did to my mom on April Fool’s Day. I was sixteen and had been drinking beer at my friend’s house. Sometime in the afternoon, my brilliant idea of a joke came to mind. I phoned my mom at “the shop”. The shop was an upholstery business my parents owned and worked together since I was three years old. When she answered the phone, I spoke in a serious and matter of fact way, “Is this Mrs. Pulver?” My mom replied, “Yes, it is, can I help you?” I followed with the question, “Are you the mother of Cynthia Pulver?” You could feel the dread when she confirmed that she was. I then repeated what I had heard on television many times.

“Mrs. Pulver, this is Nurse Morgan at Cottage Hospital. Your daughter, Cynthia, arrived by ambulance about an hour ago. She was involved in an automobile accident (pause).” “I am very sorry, Mrs. Pulver, we did everything we could, but she didn’t make it.”

My mom screamed to G-d, the sound of the phone receiver hitting the hard floor filled me with instant regret. “Mom, mom… it’s a joke, mom it’s me!” I could hear my dad’s stressed voice asking her what was wrong. “What happened?” he repeated. I glanced at my friend sitting in the chair; she was laughing. I wanted to hang up the phone, but I also wanted my mom to know it was a joke and I was sorry. My dad picked up the receiver and asked who I was. “Dad, it’s me,” I said. I cannot remember anything more about that day.

Often, in my teenage years, I told my mom, “One day you’re going to be old and dying. Don’t come knocking on my door because I won’t answer.” She was not old nor did she knock on my door, instead, she phoned. My mom died the day after Mother’s Day twenty-five years ago today. She died six weeks after her fifty-fourth birthday.

I needed to know why my mom was abusive to me as a child and critically mean to me when I was a teenager. When I asked her, she answered, “I did my best.” I did my best, she said, and I stood there looking at her dumbfounded. I turned my back and walked away with the word liar on my lips. She would die the following week.

My hate and anger toward my mom were left at the cemetery the day we buried her wrapped in white cloth as is a Jewish custom. My mom died without me saying I loved her and without a hug. My daughter was born and now carries my mom’s name proving her existence and death were not in vain.

Despite everything, my mom became alive after her death. I want to believe she knew that she would be forgiven and she knows I am sorry for what I did and for what I could not. 

Wish I Was a Superhero

Wish I Was a Superhero

I am always mindful of the egregious torture of the voiceless. Feeling overwhelmed, I cry for the ill-fated awaiting a painful death in the slaughterhouses across Asia. Their pleading eyes capture my empathy and compassion; I see their fear and feel their pain. My emotions sink into an abyss of horror where happiness is replaced with abject heartbreak. Cruelty (3)

Once seen forever to remember the atrocities that are now part of my conscience. I am inextricably linked to the depravity and there is no path of return to the life that was before. When I thought to have seen the worst, I discovered otherwise and, though, there are times I wish to turn away I cannot. The sentiments of morality are the sparks that fuel my fight to help end the agony and suffering brought about by evil minions of the devil. Cruelty 121

Where is the humanity in a society that tolerates such a vile industry as the Dog and Cat Meat Trade? What has happened to the souls of these heartless people who dismiss the outrage in the world community? I must question where the love of God goes when I cannot reason the degree of unspeakable brutality that thrives in these diseased societies that are populated with sadistic psychopaths. Please, Boycott South Korean and Chinese imports.

caged (4)“We do not forgive. We do not forget. Expect us.” ~ Anonymous
#StopYulinForever #DogMeatBooklet #HelpNamiKim

The Greatness of You

It is true that the years do quickly pass. The year was 1980 when the loud ringing of the telephone woke me from a sound sleep, it was your brother calling.

Into this new year of 2017, I have carried you and our shared experiences. I play the memories over in my mind; the splash of the river water, the rumble of your motorcycle, the feel of your broad chest, and the squeeze of your hand around mine. I feel these memories as if they are at present, though, I am aware of how long it has been since the last time I saw your face, the last words we spoke, and I remember that night as I turned away from you to walk home, I felt you watching. When I turned back around, I saw you sitting on your motorcycle smiling at me and you said, “See Ya”.

You were a great boyfriend even if when we met you were twenty-four and I was seventeen. After my mother threw me out of the house you took me in and each morning you made sure I arrived at school on time. How I wish that had never ended, but my mom was furious when I did not return home, at least it took her two weeks to find out I was living with you. Though she threatened to call the police, I would have stayed with you if you had not told me to go back home.

Fortunately, I have an abundance of pictures of you, of us together. Years ago, I scanned them to my computer, to me they have become priceless. I do look at them every so often even though I know my thoughts will return to that early morning, the morning your brother called.1530342_218371838359668_226481080_n

The phone rang, I rolled over in my bed, picked up the receiver, and brought it to my ear. I heard someone sobbing, “Who is this, what’s the matter?” Your brother took a few seconds before he was able to say who he was, “sob…it’s… sob…it’s Keith, Mark’s brother.” He did not speak further and I thought there must be something wrong. “What is it, what is it?” I asked. “Mark’s dead, he’s dead,” without hesitation, I yelled into the phone, “that’s impossible I just saw him last night. What a sick joke, you asshole.” I  slammed the receiver down. Laying on my back, I stared at the blank ceiling wondering what if it was not a joke. My heart pounded against my chest in a quiet panic. Seconds later, the phone rang again, in the early morning on the day of your death your brother called. I let the phone ring, but it was apparent your brother wasn’t going to end his call. I picked up the receiver and silently took in the details of your apparent suicide.

You should have left me a note, wrote how much you loved me, that it was not my fault. In the memories I keep is the greatness of you. In memories, in dreams, and in my mind you are eternal. I still remember you sitting on your motorcycle that last night and I repeat to myself, “See Ya”.   R.I.P. My Love.

To See the Unseen

To See the Unseen

Entering the fourth year since my diagnosis with glaucoma, I told a friend that my visual loss was not so bad because unless someone pointed out what I could not see I am not aware of the fact. How shallow my thinking, I  learned today that visual loss no matter what is devastating. 

Over the last few months, my monitor displays colors that are distorted or static. Today, I was to complete my twenty-second video but the monitor took its last volt making that impossible.

Investigating what could be done to fix the problem, I discovered both the monitor and computer have an HDMI port. Having HDMI cables in the closet, I connected the two and was blown away by the sharp images displayed. In the background of photographs that I had viewed hundreds of times, I could see objects I had no idea were there. Overwhelmed, the photographs of my daughter and grandson brought me to tears. They were amazingly vivid, I touched the displayed image of my daughter; she was more beautiful than my vision had allowed me to know.

Thinking that my videos would probably also be different, I viewed all twenty-one of them. Afterward, the enormity was such that I could not deny glaucoma has a profound effect on my interpretation of reality. If someone asks me about glaucoma, I will answer that the loss of vision is far worse than one can ever imagine.

If you read to this point, please take heed. There are two ways to learn you have glaucoma, one is by an eye exam the other is when your optic nerves have become permanently damaged and then you schedule an appointment with an optometrist, but by then, it’s too late. >  www.webmd.com/eye-health/glaucoma-eyes#1