“Can’t stop these feet from sinking and it’s starting to show on me. You’re staring while I’m blinking but just don’t tell me what you see. I’m so over all this bad luck, hearing one more keep your head up, is it ever gonna change? So, let me just give up, let me just let go if this isn’t good for me, well I don’t wanna know. Let me just stop trying let me just stop fighting I don’t want your good advice or reasons why I’m alright you don’t know what it’s like, you don’t know what it’s like.” ~Katelyn Tarver
I am tired and yet I do not sleep for fear of dreaming. I complain it is too quiet and yet I cannot tolerate noise. With all my strength, I did my best to accept that I have no choice but to live here. Obsessing with regret every choice I have made fills me with hatred for this pathetic city. The inherent beauty once I found in my hometown of Santa Barbara in contrast to this disgusting, filthy place is heartbreaking. Against the advice of the police, I venture out with my dogs at dusk not caring if I get assaulted or murdered.
I have tired of crying for the animals that suffer at the hand of psychopaths around the world. Two years of exposing myself to these horrors and doing everything I could has been for not. I am tired of pretending everything is alright, in fact, I hate happy people.
January of this year my car insurance increased by $54 at the same time the Social Security Disability Department sent me a letter that read I would have to start paying $134. for Medicare. I have struggled to make ends meet since and at this point I owe the Opthomologist too much money to be seen and the same goes for Quest Diagnostic the place I am sent for blood tests. When I was taken to the emergency room it was found my thyroid hormone levels were dangerously low. I cannot keep my appointment with the endocrinologist because I cannot get my blood drawn to check the levels. Unbelievable, that I was earning nearly 40k a year and now I am expected to live on 19k, well I cannot. I want my life back, I want to go home, I want what was stolen from me by the unethical Santa Barbara Public Defender Kim Craig Williamson may G-d strike him dead.
Everything appears old, sounds old, tastes old, is old. I want out and I do not care about anyone who cares, they do not know what it is like, they do not know. Weighing in at 102 pounds should suggest something is amiss and yet silence is the response of my doctor as if losing 54 pounds without dieting is a good thing. I have said that I am always alone but never lonely and I wonder, in the silence of this empty life, if I was lying to myself.