To explain why I am writing this now is that the actions of the heart do not come with statutes of limitations. My thoughts of my actions have passed through my mind for many years, but I didn’t have the courage to think about them and they moved on to other passing thoughts. Now, I realize by doing so has allowed my guilt to deepen so that these feelings are ever-present. Please allow me to express what has bothered me for weeks.
Although my behavior confirms I was calloused and selfish there is no memory of the causes. And, I cannot believe I was inattentive to the emotional needs of the one I love most, you, I must acknowledge the truths of this matter.
The issue is that when we went to the doctor to inquire about the option of abortion, I was proud you chose what I was hoping you would. Afterward, we did not speak about your position, your plans or what I could do for you. The next memory I have is learning on your Facebook page you gave birth to Damian.
There were many times over the months of your pregnancy I wanted to come over to Mario’s but I was too ashamed. I felt Mario’s large family would judge me as a neglectful and inadequate mother. I was embarrassed to show my face feeling that it was my fault that my seventeen-year-old daughter was in the position she found herself.
Therefore, I was thinking only about myself rather than your need for support. As your mother, I had a responsibility to protect you, especially as a teenager. The realization that I never saw my daughter in her pregnant state, that I didn’t get a call when she felt scared, nervous, possibly unsure or when the baby turned over and kicked for the first time is devastating.
Of all my thoughts, the worst is not getting that call when you went into labor; to not be present at my grandson’s birth brings me to tears. When I combine all these truths I have expressed above my chest fills with grief and guilt and a flood of tears speak of my profound need to apologize for what may be unforgivable.
Presently is my need to bring closure to this open wound as such pain of the heart, if not addressed, will continue to ever be present. So, with these confessions, Daughter of Mine, Emily, Emily Esther, Emma, Z, Z-Be, Zeeb, Little Love, Muffin, I’m very, very sorry for not standing by you.
Love you always, Mom.