Last month I realized I am not me anymore, unhappiness has tainted my perspective on life. I cannot sleep, eat, I do not take walks with my dogs, the worst, I have no desire to create. Filled with an intense irritability coursing through my body. I feel like I am going to explode. I have lost the words to comfort myself and so when thoughts of suicide entered my mind, I panicked, I called the psychiatrist and left a message to call back, but days went by with no word.
Over those days, I battled a stranger within and withdrew from social media. I drank a lot of beer while viewing videos on YouTube about the End of Days, the New World Order, FEMA Camp’s, and Walmart’s conspiracy to kill millions of people. I did not think things could get worse, but I was wrong.
Last week around 7:00 p.m. the psychiatrist finally called. He said that he had been ill and had just got my message. I told him how I could not sleep and I asked if he had something stronger than Clonazepam to help settle my anxiety. His answer was that I needed hospitalization, at which time I said, No, never mind I will handle this myself. I then hung up the phone.
The stranger inside was not going to win. I have battled mental illness for over four decades. The intrusive thoughts of suicide are just thoughts that I counter with visions of my daughter and consideration of her emotions. Suicide, although appealing, is not an option no matter what may come. And, what did come was devastating and has left me traumatized. I feel ashamed that anyone should know, but it has compounded my unhappiness that my days since have passed with profound emotions of disgust and tears for myself. I cannot stop replaying the images and shutter with each thought.
A short while after I ended the call with the psychiatrist, a policewoman was at my front door. She said the doctor had asked for a well check. I said I was fine and had no intention of harming myself. She said that there was medication I could get if I was to go with her and speak with someone from mental health. She drove me to a facility that once inside I was not free to leave. I could not believe this was happening and wondered if I was not dreaming.
An ambulance came to transport me to the hospital for a required medical clearance before admittance to the Mental Hospital. I tried to talk my way out to no avail. When we reached the hospital a nurse in the ER led me to a room and asked for my clothing. I complied and put on the gown provided. I am not sure how much time passed but it felt like over an hour before the nurse returned. She said a urine sample was needed and handed me a sample cup. I placed it on a chair in the room stating I did not need to go right then. Another hour or so passed when a doctor came into the room with another nurse who wanted a blood sample. The doctor listened to my heart and did a quick once-over of my body and left. my blood was drawn and she too left.
I did not want to lay on the bed so I stood near the back of the room. After several hours, I used the restroom forgetting about the urine sample. When I returned to the room the nurse came in asking for the urine sample. I said that I was sorry, I had forgotten and just used the restroom, her reaction caught me off guard, she was furious and with sarcasm, she said she would use a catheter to get the sample. Backing up into the corner of the room I said, “I don’t think so, you are not going to violate my body.” Without looking at me, she said she could and that I had no choice in the matter. I asked for water and why could she not wait fifteen minutes, but she did not respond.
I became furious and impulsively knocked over metal shelving that held supplies. She came back with two male nurses and asked them to restrain me on the bed. Once told to get on the bed I did allow the nurses to tie my wrists to the bed railing. The three nurses left the room but shortly returned with two additional nurses one who was male the nurse had a catheter in her hand. two male nurses moved to the head of the bed. One held my head down over the bed the other held my torso down. The nurse pulled off my underwear as I tried to keep my legs closed, the other two nurses were prying my legs apart. I was screaming in terror, pleading with them to stop. Unable to move against the force they used to hold me down. I was frantic and hyperventilating, screaming you cannot do this.
With my legs spread eagle, I felt the catheter inserted. The nurse started pushing down on my abdomen as no urine was coming out. I was whaling for God to help me. Finally, she finished and put my underwear back on, but left them midway. They left as I uncontrollably cried repeating the words, Oh, my God. A nurse came in after about fifteen minutes and told me I was making too much noise and bothering those who were there with real medical problems.
I still feel disgusted and humiliated, powerless to prevent what had happened. I cannot even write this without tears and I feel that disgust that is alive in my psyche. The nurses raped me with a catheter and I cannot move forward. After three days, I finally did sleep, but I had a nightmare the theme was what happened in the Emergency Room. Now I fear to sleep and have not slept most nights since. I did call and file a complaint, the manager told me she would get back with me, but she did not follow through. I called again and left a message, but she did not respond.
How am I to find closure and rid myself of feeling violated? When I returned to the facility, I was released to go home. an hour later. The entire event has left me traumatized and was for not. My unhappiness has deepened to where I do not want to leave the house. What they accomplished at the ER was to turn my unhappiness into a deep depression, the kind that one questions for what purpose is there to remain alive? I now hate my life more than I hate this city.